Alex and Lena
by Improbable Creatures
Summary: Set after the ending of Requiem. The walls have come down. This is the story of how lena and Alex find their way back to each other and start to build a better future. I loved the books, but I didn't really like the ending, just my own version. All characters belong to lauren Oliver. I'm just borrowing;) reviews welcome!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

5 days later...  
I wake from a dream of fire and ash, trembling, my skin feels like it is on fire. I look down and see Grace softly asleep in the blankets next to me. Grace is here, she is safe, That thought brings my heart rate down a bit and I smile at the little girl who looks so happy in her dreamful state.  
It is warm out, even in the darkness, it is more like the hot summer nights I remember of my childhood, sticky and muggy. my breathing is steady. I look around to the mass of people sleeping out in the open tonight. I search the crowd of faces but know that my heart only wants one face; honey colored eyes, a hopelessly arrogant crooked smile and hair the color of autumn leaves dancing in the wind.  
Alex, my Alex.  
My eyes stop on the front of where his tent is.  
My heart skips a beat  
I look at grace lying next me, and to my mother on the other side of her, in the oversized sleeping bag she got for us. I know I shouldn't want to, but I long to see him, to feel him, to know that he is mine again.  
After the walls came down, everything was so chaotic, Alex and I have hardly had anytime to talk. We've stolen glances and a few kisses, but my main priority has been Grace and making sure she is ok, making sure she knows she is safe.  
Alex too has been helping as many people as he can, and we're both exhausted. A smaller group of resisters that helped us take down the wall had decided to break off and head north towards the Canadian border. just a few days ago, there's been an uprising there as well and they're in need of as much help as they can get. Julian volunteered. I knew he would. After everything. I can still see the look on his face, the last look he ever gave me..

"Don't do this lena" his piercing blue eyes that always reminded me of the ocean, are now dark and pleading with me.  
" Julian, you have to understand, I'm not trying to hurt you" I say.  
"Then don't" he snaps back. He is breaking. I am breaking him. Big crocodile tears start to form in his eyes. This is awful.  
I sigh " the truth is" I say, still searching for the right words. " .. The truth is that its not your fault. I gave my heart away a long time ago, and I never really got it back, not fully, Alex always had my heart, even when I thought he was dead.. It's always been him. I love him. I'm sorry" I say with as much finality as I can gather.  
" then this is it, this is your choice?" He asks. There is resignation in His voice. And though I know I've just hurt him, perhaps irreparably, though I doubt it, he's not going to fight me on it. I nod yes.  
Julian slowly turns and starts to walk away from me, then abruptly stops. With his back to me he says  
" I won't stay here.. It wouldn't be good for either of us." I can only stare silently at the ground. I know he's right.  
He takes a deep breath then adds, " I understand. Ok. It hurts but I understand"  
now I'm the one on the verge of tears.  
The worst part about not loving somebody the same way they love you is that no matter what, you will always end up hurting them. I cared a lot for Julian, I even loved him in a way. But it was a different kind of love, I never loved him the same way he loved me, it's why I could never say it to him. I was always still in love with Alex. The silence and the minutes seem to slowly tick by, I'm shaking, and I just want to be anywhere else than here, right now, in this moment.  
Finally he says  
" goodbye lena.. I .."  
He shakes his head and doesn't finish the thought, and honestly I'm grateful, I don't think I could have taken anymore. he walks off into the nights sky and i know in my gut, that its the last time i will ever see him. The next morning I woke up next to Gracie and they were gone. Julian, coral left too, can't say I'm surprised either. And Pippa, and a few dozen more.

... I look up at the sky and take a deep breath, silently cursing myself for thinking of such a horrible memory now, when all I really want is Alex. I know he must be fast asleep, it has to be well after midnight, but my heart hitches in my throat as i look over at his tent, and this time my skin feels like its on fire but not from the bad dream, Or the memory i just had, From something more, a yearning, a desire I thought had died, when I thought he had died. a white hot flame that starts in my chest and seems to be radiating outward,on to my fingertips. My breathing surprisingly is steady, though I feel like my heart is about to leap out of my chest, I find my resolve.  
I need to see him. I have to see him.  
Slowly and with very little movement I slip myself out from under the covers of the sleeping bag, for a second Grace stirs and I freeze, she relaxes back in to her slumber and I begin to breath again. I know it's probably a bad idea, but Grace won't be alone, she has my mother next to her, if she happens to wake up. I tell myself this to justify what I'm about to do.  
Once out of the sleeping bag I tip toe in between a bunch of sleeping people, making sure not to accidentally trip over anyone or wake any one up.  
The closer I get to his tent, the more nervous I am becoming. What do I say? A little pass the edge of all the sleeping bodies of our group a little hidden by the edge of the woods, concealed by the darkness, I reach the front of his tent.

I can't breath. What am i doing? I count 5 seconds. I reach down and open the front of his tent, and quickly let myself inside. Just as I turn around I see him there, his eyes thick with sleep, he smiles at me.  
"C'mere" he says softly, still half asleep.  
I do, I practically sprint to him, closing the distance in seconds. In the darkness I find his lips and kiss him feverishly, I can feel the smile growing on his lips, he laughs softly  
"Bad dream?" He asks. I nod  
He pulls me under the covers with him, I shiver a little but not because I'm cold, I'm the exact opposite of cold, every part of my body feels like a live wire, an ember waiting to pop. I look up at him and fall hopelessly into his eyes, he brushes a piece of hair away from my face  
"Alex" i say.  
I softly place my fingers on his face, slowly tracing the scar on the left side from the corner of his eye to the side of his jaw, it's faded a bit, but its there, it will always be there, a constant reminder of his time spent in the crypts. Something hitches in my chest and All I can think is, '_those monsters_' tears begin to fill up my eyes and I know he senses what I'm thinking. He slowly cups my face in both of his hands, his eyes are burning embers deep into the hidden parts of me.  
" don't" he says softly.  
" don't cry, I'm ok, I'm here with you and I'm ok"  
I stare at him a few more seconds then lean in to kiss him, i kiss his scar, then i find his lips, soft at first barely meeting them, then the fire is back starting in my heart, racing out wards and I can't get close enough to him, fast enough. He catches up quickly kissing me back with the same intensity.  
I can't remember deciding to run my hands under his shirt,but I do, tracing every single bend and curve of his chest, a soft moan escapes him and I know that this heaven. I slowly reach up taking his shirt in my hands, up and over his head breaking the kiss only slightly, he throws it to the floor. His warm bare skin feels so good underneath my fingertips, like everywhere I touch is tiny bolts of electricity coming off his skin into mine, suddenly I know exactly what I want,and why I am here. Slowly I roll onto my back, taking him with me, he follows. The weight of his body on mine feels amazing and somehow calms me, my hands stop shaking a little. He slowly starts kissing the side of my neck and down to my my collar bones, he kisses each collar bone separately, soft and sweet  
" this is my favorite place on you" he says, just like velvet.  
I smile, looking at him, and something hitches in my throat.  
"Alex" I say again.  
but the problem is I don't know how to say it, I'm trembling, but not from fear, from the white hot desire that is burning a hole inside of me. I've never said these words to another human much less thought them, my whole life I've been told to fear affection or any form of intimacy, and just like it always does my brain begins to shut down, just when I need it the most.  
" it's like the outline of tiny wings, like you were born to go fast" he says, still referring to my collar bones.  
" Alex " I say again, but there is a knot in my throat  
He continues " my favorite place... well this and your stomach.." It only takes one motion,one moment, one split second and all my nervous energy fades away, he moves his hand over to the soft part of my stomach, just below my belly button and caresses it, my mind freezes and I can't breathe, but I've never wanted somebody more in my entire life.  
"Alex" I say intensely  
He looks up at me waiting. But there is something in his eyes that tell me that he wants me too, does he understand what I'm trying to say. Does he get it?  
" I.. I want you" I say, immediately looking away, embarrassed, I feel the heat rising to my face. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. That doesn't explain anything.  
He returns a smile, then touches my cheek with his hand  
" you have me" he says quietly.  
This is it. I just have to get him to understand what I'm really saying.  
I slowly kiss him, letting it build, I let my tongue lightly linger in his mouth and then I take my hand and slowly run it down the length of his back, all the way down his back, then around his hip to where his belt buckle is and I pause there. Letting my finger tips graze the soft skin underneath his belt, He freezes for a minute, and finally I know, he knows  
I break the kiss.  
" no " I say breathlessly with a smile.  
" I want you.. I want All of you... In every way..tonight"  
He pauses, letting it all sink in. He kisses me with that same crooked smile.. The one I fell for, what seems like years ago, when he pulls away there is softness in his words and love in his eyes  
"Are you sure? We don't have to if your not ready" he says and then kisses the tip of my nose  
I know he is trying to be sweet and make sure I'm ok, that I'm ready, but I am sure. I know what I want. And who I want. I want him, I've always wanted him. Even when we were apart I wanted him, longed for him, missed him. wished that Julian was him. I banish that thought immediately, this is not the time to bring that up  
I look at him and he is studying my reaction.  
" I AM sure" i say with resolve.  
" I'm more than sure, I love you Alex.. And I want to be with you in THAT way, in every way possible that I can be. This is the life i choose, the life I want with you" I just can't bring myself to say 'make love' the words sound too cheesy and well just not something I would ever say. Or even just having sex, the way aunt carol used to explain the mechanics of it, making it seem scary and something that would probably cause me great pain, because its more than that. It's and pure.

Suddenly a thought comes over me, i hadn't even considered and I blurt out  
"it's just that.. Um, I don't really know what I'm doing. I've .. I've never done this before...you know.. " letting my words trail off and it's true. I suddenly feel very inadequate and shy, and looking down realize that although I'm inexperienced in every way, maybe Alex isn't. What if I mess up, or do something wrong, what if I'm bad at this, I shudder a little at the thought that this could all go horribly wrong. The anxiety is back and I can feel the heat rising to my face. As if sensing exactly what I'm thinking he puts his finger lightly under my chin and forces me to look up and meet his gaze, his eyes are warm honey, soft and caring.  
"Lena, it's ok. Your not the only one.." these words for some reason shock me, I stare into his eyes and see he is just as nervous, vulnerable.  
" you mean you've never... Um, you know..." I ask  
He looks down quickly , embarrassed, shaking his head, "no" he says. I don't know why I'm so surprised. Maybe I assumed just because he does come from the wilds, or maybe cause he's older, or maybe i had thought when he was hating me and with coral. Ouch. The thought causes a pain in my heart. I don't want to think about him like that, not with her.  
I can't help it when I say " not even when you were with.." -Coral i think, but I can't bring myself to say her name. I look down, I'm ashamed that I even asked it, ashamed that I even want to know.  
Alex once again takes my face in his hand forcing me to look at him, with absolute clarity and all the tenderness in his eyes he says " No.. Never.. It was never like that. Never like this, it was a distraction.. you have to believe me, do you believe me?"  
I could curl up and live my entire life in the warmth of his eyes, and I know in that second that I do believe him. This is Alex. My Alex. The boy who sacrificed himself not once, but twice for me, so i could live and be happy. a boy who told me the truth about being an invalid when he didn't even know me, risking his safety, all because he didn't want to lie to me, even then.  
" I believe you" I say  
I think about how against all the odds, with everything that was taken from us, we somehow found our way back to each other. Not only that, but we somehow were both saved for each other. My heart swells and I don't care about my inexperience, or my insecurities. I love Alex, and he loves me.  
With his mouth tickling my ear he leans in and whispers " ever since the first time I saw you running by the governor, the first time I held your hand and danced with you at roaring brooke farms, it's always been you."  
Always been me.  
the thought sends butterflies in my stomach, He adds a little shakily " the first time I kissed you in the shed.." He pauses and I nod,remembering that night, the first night my life truly began, " I loved you even then... So you see Magdalena, no one has ever had my heart but you" I smile, and feel the tears pricking back my eyes.  
" I love you... I want you" I say confidently, and he places my head on the ground gently, he stares at me and lightly whispers ' beautiful ' then kisses me and takes me into our own little oblivion.

Lying there in his arms afterward, the sounds of the forests all around us, the moonlight peeking in from the spaces in the tent, dancing across our bodies, I idly wonder how I lived without this for so long?  
It was a little less graceful than I thought it would be, as we both tried to 'figure it out' together. It hurt a little at first, but Alex was so gentle and careful with me, then I found the pleasure in it, found my rhythm with him. from the sounds that escaped him, I know he enjoyed it too, which only made me happier.  
We lay there in silence for a while just listening to each other breathe, he absentmindedly strokes my back , then my hair, my arms. I do feel tired, but I also feel weirdly awake, like I don't want to close my eyes, because I'm afraid this may all have been a dream.  
"What are you thinking about?" He asks  
"You" I reply  
"What about me?" He is smiling now, that same cocky little grin.  
" just how I don't want to go to sleep, I'm afraid this will all have been a dream, I want to stay in this moment forever" I say but there's a yawn in my voice. Im Fading fast. He laughs a little, but seems totally content to stay in this forever with me, dream or no dream  
" Alex" I say.  
"Yes?" He is tired too, I can hear it in his voice.  
"Will you tell me that poem again? The one you know by heart, From our first night in the wilds" I say sleepily. I loved that night, it was the best night of my life.. Well up until now.  
"Which one? I read you a few I know by heart" he says with a smile.  
" the one about carrying my heart" I reply. " I love that one"  
" I carry your heart by E. E. Cummings.." I nod. He starts  
" i carry your heart with me (i carry it in  
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere  
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done  
by only me is your doing,my darling)..." As he continues the poem I drift in and out of consciousness, my sleep state coming faster and faster. His voice like melting honey is carrying me, and just as he finishes the last line of the poem  
" I carry your heart ( I carry it in my heart)"  
he leans in so close to my ear and if I was not already more than half gone I would respond, he whispers  
" I'm going to marry you"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

" Gracie, don't run too far ok, stay where I can see you" I shout.  
bounding towards the water she squeals " ok".  
I smile.  
it is an unbearably hot August day, an irritable heat, that sucks all the life out of you. I brought Gracie with me to the border of back cove, though it is still on the "Portland" side, it has enough trees from "the wilds" to shade a bit of the sand for us, making it seem cooler than anywhere else on the beach. The wilds aren't technically called that anymore, since the walls came down it is all considered part of Portland county now, though I still call it the wilds. The cured's, the DFA, and the majority of the resistance have all come to an understanding, _'a compromise', _about the state of our world, living with and without the cure. The amount of lives lost, during the resistance was staggering that pretty soon both sides realized, if it didn't stop there would be no one left to cure, or un-cure.

The change in attitudes from the DFA, started when a group of resister's, a group led by the one and only Annabel, my mother, blew up the main lab also known as the hub, in which all the Delirium cures are manufactured and sent out from, and all the scientific files containing every single form of the cure ( those that worked and those that didn't) were stored, leaving the DFA with only a handful of places stocked up with everything needed to do the procedure. The problem was that once all those cures are administered, that was all that was left,and with No formulations to go from, if they couldn't replicate something that took years to perfect(depending on whose side your on), there would be no more cure. This was of course the point. No more cure. No more war.

So what you have now is basically the cured's who still believe in their message of a deliria free world, those in between who don't seem to care one way or another whether to be cured or not, and then there's us. Resisters, invalids, sympathizers, rebels, runaways, whatever you choose to call us. We believe in a life without the cure. we believe in a life of love, but most importantly we believe in the freedom to choose.  
The government has supported and passed the ' right to choose law,' this was the great compromise I was talking about. In exchange for a cease-fire, due to the files that were destroyed at the hub, the DFA and the government all agreed and passed a federal law making the cure optional. You could still choose the cure if you wanted, and believe me the DFA still has its ever faithful followers still lining up at the labs, or you could choose freedom without any persecution and live your life the way you want. I still find it so hard to believe that people still choose to be cured, but I guess that's the beauty of choice, your free to choose even the wrong thing.

A lot has changed and Thinking back it feels like only yesterday that the walls came down and we lost Raven, the thought sends a shutter down my spine. Raven never made it past the wall, she died that day protecting a friend. She died before ever getting to see what the fruits of her labor brought. we buried her underneath a big sycamore tree in the wilds, she would've liked that. I still go and visit her now and then when I really start to miss the wilds and need to get out of the daily grind of living back in Portland. Even now it seems so silly that I would end up back here, Portland,where it all started. My home, mine and Alex's home now, we made it through hell and back and I feel so lucky every single day that we found each other again, against all the odds.  
these last few months, everything changed so fast, I still remember that day, the day my life changed forever...

" don't go" he says to me smiling.  
Alex, lying there, trying to make me come back to bed. Don't get me wrong it is very tempting, he always looks so beautiful in the morning. Hair messy and sticking up at crazy angles, no shirt, and that cocky grin I love so much.  
" I have to make breakfast, everyone will be up soon" I say letting him pull me back for just a minute longer. It's my day to make breakfast for everyone, and though It's not my favorite job I would rather climb back into bed with him, we all take turns, that's how it works here. Besides I'm still not feeling very good, so I figure the fresh air, while I go get some of the supplies from the shed, will help.. I think.  
" c'mon, I have to go" I say kissing him one last time then smiling as I get up walk out the door. The sweetly annoyed look on his face makes me smile all the way down the hall.  
My stomach lurches. I stop.

Home is where we have made it. Home now is a giant abandoned house on the edge of what used to be known as the highlands, but back then would have been considered to close to the wilds side of the fence to be considered livable, a part of the planned housing track that was left almost untouched by the fires that happened on the day the walls came down. The area is now considered Portland heights. Bram and Hunter are the ones who found the house, on one of their scouting missions. It is the kind of house I could imagine Hana living in when it was probably brand new. Thinking of Hana still brings sharp pains to my stomach, even with all the betrayals, I can't help but love her. Hana. My Hana. I have searched for her everywhere, but I haven't seen her since that day, but my heart always misses her, always thinks about her. I banish the thought quickly.  
in truth the house, It reminds me a lot of 37 brooks , but less elegant, though it does still boast a huge backyard with what was once probably a beautiful garden like brooks, but now is overgrown with weeds. I still love sitting in the backyard though and watching Gracie play. It has several rooms and we have developed a kind of communal living situation. There are many of us, Hunter and Bram, my mother-Annabel, tack has stayed, Gracie, and of course me and Alex.  
Pippa returned to town a few weeks ago with several other people, (none of whom were Julian or coral, I've heard they've gone back to New York, to help with the resistance there) one of them a girl named Sara, born and raised in the wilds, tack has taken a bit of a liking too.  
It has been 5 months since the walls came down, and even though it's not perfect, our lives are very good and we have moved forward. Thinking about all of this makes me smile a little as I quickly break the eggs my mother got for us for breakfast, it's a basic eggs and potatoes kind of morning.  
"Morning" some one says, I turn around, it's Hunter smiling at me  
"Looks like Someone had a good night" he says, I can't help but blush  
Not acknowledging his comment I say " wanna help and make some coffee?The others will be up soon"  
I cross back over to stir the eggs. Just then Alex enters the kitchen and comes up to stand behind me at the stove, placing his head on my shoulder, and his hands around my waist, he whispers "good morning beautiful " and at that hunter breaks off laughing "oh man.. You two... We're gonna have to build you a house out back if you keep at it like this.. Haha" he is full on hysterically laughing, my face turns bright red and my level of annoyance has peaked. I move away from Alex and grab a piece of potatoes off the plate and throw it at him, he ducks at the last-minute, and it smashes into the wall. The second I throw it, my stomach lurches again, and I know I am going to be sick, with my hand over my mouth I run to the sink and lose it.  
"Lena" Alex's voice. Full of concern. " are you ok?" He asks.  
" I'm fine, just give me a minute, ok?" I try to reassure him, I try to reassure myself. but the truth is this is the 4th time I've gotten sick this week, the 4th time I've woken up with a knot in my stomach.  
My stomach lurches again, I am too weak to hold it down, make that 5 times.  
At first I thought it was food poisoning, but then again maybe it was just the flu, some sort of bug I caught that just doesn't seem to want to go away. I wash my face off with water and sit down, though I was starving before, now the smell of the food, the look of the food, it all makes me feel nauseous .  
" I need to go lay down for a minute, ok?" I say to both hunter and Alex who are both staring at me like I've just grown a second head.  
" yeah of course" hunter says "don't worry about it. Foods already made..." He returns with a smile.  
"Thank you" I say,  
" I'm fine.. " I say again to Alex. " just a bad stomach flu. I'll be fine" I add, reaching up to lightly kiss his cheek, " make sure Gracie eats something ok?" I say to him, he nods, still uneasy, while his eyes follow me as i leave the room.  
I lay there for a long time in our bed thinking, what day is it? the 27th i think. .. stomach flues don't usually last longer than a few days. I wonder if there is something else wrong with me, something more serious? What if I'm dying? I think how ridiculous I sound. Don't be stupid lena, you're not dying. Your just sick. You need to rest.

I must have slept for quit a while because when I wake up, the sun in the room feels like its late in the afternoon. Crap! I think as I get up. I wish they wouldn't have let me sleep this long. I have to go down and do the dishes from this morning, before dinner. Passing down the hall I see the clock on the wall, 4:30? It's later than I thought. As I finally approach the kitchen, I hear somebody singing, if I lived a hundred years I would know that voice inside and out. I walk through and see her, my mother, she must have returned from her scavenger mission to get supply's while I was asleep. The second thing I notice is that the kitchen, it's not a mess, it's completely cleaned and wiped down... I'm a bit stunned  
"Hey" she says with a smile, a song in her voice. She sees me looking around at the kitchen, wondering who did this. " I figured you could use the help" she shrugs a little as she says it, I nod.  
" what's wrong with you lena? Why are you so sick?" She asks abruptly, The question shocks me out of my momentary daze. I'm a bit frightened by her question.  
" I don't know" I say " I thought it was just a stomach flu, but now..." I trail off. There's something in her voice, an accusation, or a warning of some kind, I can't put my finger on it, but it scares me a bit. All of a sudden There's a needling feeling in the back of my mind.  
" you have no idea, no idea at all what it could be?" She asks Accusatory.  
And there it is again, is she trying to tell me something?what the hell is she talking about? Shouldn't I know my body better than her. The question makes me angry.  
" well I don't know, since you seem to have all the answers.. why don't you enlighten me?" I snap back at her. Then instantly feel guilty. It's not her fault I'm not feeling well, I'm just so tired. She doesn't react. She sighs deeply and then looks at me with a bit of sadness in her eyes then smiles. She walks over to the counter  
" I got you something today" she says,  
and now I feel even more guilty. As she walks back, the fear returns, she is approaching me slowly, with caution, like someone would approach a wounded animal. She stands right in front of me and puts something in my hand. I look down and my heart stops.  
It's as if I've known it all along, it all makes total sense. And here, with my mother, who missed so much of my life growing up, who would know me and my body better than anyone. Suddenly it all becomes crystal clear. In my hand long smooth and white, packaged with plastic white paper that has pink flowers all over it, a pregnancy test.  
She's half smiles at me while tucking a lock of hair behind my ear  
" there's nothing that your going to find out on that stick, that you don't already know in your heart" my mother whispers. And then she turns and walks out of the room.

Everything is a white noise. I'm sitting on the edge of the bath tub in the upstairs bathroom, my hands are shaking, and I'm staring at these two little blue lines, side by side in one tiny plastic window. Two blue lines, I think, two blue lines that have some how completely altered how the rest of my life will go. I look at the directions again panicked, as if needing to be absolutely sure, but I already know in my heart. As if needing to further reassure me, my stomach twists again, and I'm afraid I will get sick again, but I don't. The tears start to fall down my face, clouding my vision, but I still see those two blue lines, almost as if I closed my eyes they would be permanently burned into my mind. Everything seems very close all of a sudden, like the walls of this bathroom, with its chipped paint and claw footed tub, are suddenly closing in around me. I can't breathe. The tears come faster and turn into full-fledged sobs. I'm terrified, I'm shaking. NO! I think. How am I going to do this? How did my mother know? How did I not know?  
Flashes of Alex come into my mind, images of him and me, his lips, my lips, our bodies becoming one, over and over again. I never knew love could be like that, fire and rain, and my body longing to be with him. We have found our own little heaven together, our safe place with each other, every night we share the same bed. Honestly I can't say I'm surprised.

There's a knock at the door, "lena?" It's Alex's voice, full of concern.  
I'm still crying, i cant speak, I can't move. He asks again more urgently  
" lena? Are you ok?" I don't respond. My heart is in my throat. I can't even function. I keep staring at the blue lines. Shit! I think, no he can't find out here, not like this. He can't see me like this.  
" lena?... lena, I'm Going to open the door ok?"  
I can tell by the way he is saying my name, he's panicked. Scared. I still can't find the words, but there is no point in hiding it, I can't lie to him., Not about this. The second he opens the door I grab the test and put my hands behind my back.  
The second he see's me, he knows something is very wrong. My heart breaks a little with the look he gives me.  
" hey" he says warily, he comes over and puts his arms around me. I cry into him, wetting his shirt with my salty tears.  
"Shhh, its ok, it's ok lena, whatever it is.. It will be ok" he is trying to be calm and trying to reassure me.  
I pull away, and look up at him, how am I going to say what needs to be said? Looking into his eyes, usually warm like melted honey, they seem darker and urgent with worry.  
"tell me.." he is pleading, "..tell me what's wrong" he says.  
I feel the stick in the palm of my hand burning into the side of my back. I shake my head, still not being able to form a coherent sentence. I know it seems stupid, but I just can't bare to tell him like this, in this tiny bathroom sitting on this old bath tub, with its paper-thin walls for everyone else to hear. I'm not really sure why, but I just don't want this moment to be stolen from us, to be shared with anyone else in this house than us, first.  
" I can't.. I.." start to say, but he cuts me off, " don't do that, don't shut me out.." He takes a deep breath and continues, "listen..whatever it is, I can handle it ok? We can handle it.. It'll be ok. Just please, tell me the truth. Don't lie to me"  
his voice cracks a little and for the first time I think ever, Alex is terrified, he has no idea what I'm about to say and he is on the verge of breaking. That thought breaks my heart a little, I can't torture him like this, I have to tell him, this is Alex, my Alex, the person I love more than anything in this world, I cant bare to see him like this. and I no longer care that I'm still sitting in this shitty small bathroom upstairs, with its paper-thin walls, and I don't care if everyone in the house is waiting outside the door listening to us.  
I take a deep breath. Slowly I take my hand from behind my back and I hold it out to him. not wanting to see his reaction, i look away, all I can say is "I'm pregnant" quietly. The silence that follows feels like an eternity, I know this is a shock, it was to me as well. This is not something I ever planned, not something I honestly ever even considered, but here we are and now I'm the one who is terrified, waiting for his response.  
Alex slowly reaches down and takes my hand in his, he puts the test on the counter, I carefully look up at him, and his eyes swallow are the eyes I dream about soft and warm just like honey and there is a smile in them.  
" I love you lena" he says and then he kisses me hard, this kiss is a fire, white-hot heat exploding out wards from my heart. I pull him in closer, he runs his hands through my hair and then cupping my face with both of his hands he pulls away to look me straight in the eyes.  
" I love you, please don't cry, no more crying ok?" He says,There are still tears in my eyes, I can't help it there are so many emotions hitting me at once.  
I respond " I love you too, I'm sorry"  
" why? You have nothing to be sorry for" He is calm and I hear the tenderness in his voice.  
It hits me like a freight train then, the realization that this whole time I've freaked out and waiting for him to freak out, waiting for him to get angry , or mad, or scared and he hasn't. I was so sure that his reaction was going to be a negative one, that I didn't even consider the other. He is smiling at me that same crooked smile I love, and It all comes down to this one thought: Alex and I are going to have a baby, and I think, with amazement, that he's happy about it?  
" you mean you're not mad? Your not.. scared?" I Ask.  
He thinks for a minute then abruptly stands and grabs my hands to help me up. He's looking at the test on the counter, those same blue lines, suddenly I think those are the most beautiful two blue lines I've ever seen. He smiles a little, then puts it in the trash, " come with me" he says facing me again.  
I follow him as he leads me down the hallway, still holding my hand , and he takes me back into our room. Closing the door behind us and quickly taking a blanket and wedging it in between the bottom of the door and the wood floors.  
"A little privacy" he says turning back to me. I climb on to the bed and sit, I'm exhausted, I didn't realize how much until just now. He follows me and gently gathers me in his arms, so I'm being cradled by him, looking up I stare into his eyes.  
" now, to answer your question" he states, then lightly kisses the tip of my nose.  
All of sudden he is very serious, he clears his throat, slowly and carefully he responds "of all the things in this world that could scare me, and.. admittedly there's a few, THIS is not one of them.. " as he said the word 'THIS' he put his hand on my stomach and all I could think about was the word home. He is my home. waking up next to him, and Gracie, and now this new little person, this perfect little thing that we have created, it's the feeling of coming home, of belonging somewhere... To someone.  
He continues ".. I could never be mad at you for giving me the greatest gifts I've ever been given. This is an extension of my love for you. Everything is going to be ok lena, do you believe that?" He is serious.  
"Yes" I return, And it's true. I mean it, it's like a veil has come down, and all the anxiety and fear is gone.  
"Good" he smiles back.  
" now I need to know something, is this.." He hesitates and I see that there is a flicker of fear In His eyes. " is this something you want?" The question startles me. Something I want? What does he mean. Does he actually think I would consider not having this? Looking up I search his eyes and see that it is, he is terrified, scared I might not want this baby. The thought almost makes me laugh. During my entire meltdown today because of this, not once, not even for a sliver of a thought, did I ever consider not keeping it. I was just so scared about his reaction and how we would be able to do this.  
With complete confidence and control I pull him closer to me and whisper  
" yes" then I kiss him, soft and sweet and letting my tongue linger in his mouth and Lightly trace his bottom lip, he moans softly and then let's out a quick breath, pulling away just an inch.  
"Then There is something else I need to ask you" he says breathlessly. I am still caught up in that kiss and I am wanting more of him. I smile and bite my lip a little  
"anything" I say.  
Trying to pull him back to me. He must be amused, He laughs softly then kisses me lightly, a peck , then he looks down for a minute. Concentrating, he is serious again. What could he possibly need to know that I haven't already told him. I wait impatiently, when he finally looks up. There's a glassy texture to his eyes, he looks so sweet and angelic, it melts my heart. We stare at each other for a minute, his eyes are burning embers deep into my soul.  
" you know how much I care for you, how much I love you" he says softly. Finding it suddenly hard to swallow, I nod. There is a stillness in the air that feels charged with an electric current, my breathing stalls.  
He grabs my hands and says the most beautiful words I've ever heard  
"Will you marry me?"  
There is only one word. I smile.  
"Yes!"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Lena, stop fidgeting!" My mother says smiling as she is standing behind me. Her hands are softly gathering my hair in tiny sections, and twisting it and turning it into a series of intricate braids as she is quietly humming a song. I smile as The moment reminds me so much of the memories I have of my childhood.  
" you know just because you're doing my hair, doesn't mean I've forgotten that your leaving again" I say to her.  
She sighs lightly and responds " it's necessary lena, why can't You see that? You know I wouldn't go if it wasn't, Besides I always come back." She winks at me.  
For the past couple of months Pippa, Tack, and my mother, who they call Bee, have organized and planned a strategic attack, an attack that will wipe out not only the main suppliers of the cure, and their factory, but the entire system of every formulation they've ever had, they call it The Hub.  
There are two dozen resisters who volunteered, my mother, having been to the hub before will lead them. Bram and Hunter Are staying here to keep the lines of communication open, to be our eyes and ears in Portland, and of course help if anyone is injured when they return. I am of no help in my current state, both my mother and Alex, Vetoed me volunteering in any way. Alex too will be staying behind to help at the homestead, though I think it's mostly to make sure nothing happens to me, or more correctly the child inside of me. Honestly I'm relieved, I would be a nervous wreck thinking about him out there while I am stuck here, I've already thought I lost him once, I couldn't bare it again. They will leave the day after tomorrow, a Saturday, thinking about my mother leaving brings a sadness that I haven't felt in a while. These past months living with her in this house, living with everyone, its like we're a real family again. So much of my time with her was stolen, I feel like we've finally been able to catch up, and now she's going again. I'm trying to be understanding, but I'm selfish, and I want her here.

" are you nervous?" She is smiling, a huge grin.  
I know what she's asking, today's an Important day, today I'm marrying Alex. underneath the big sycamore trees in the back yard, our own little 'wilds'. After he proposed, and well after we found out I was pregnant, everything just kind of fell into place. It's not a big 'to do' or anything, just your typical back yard wedding. Tack agreed to marry us, I think raven would like that, Gracie will walk me down the aisle, Bram and hunter are in charge of the music and decorations, and everyone else will be our guests.  
"No.. not really" I respond, And its a hundred percent true.  
Alex became my family the night the walls came down, and honestly even before that, all the way back to the first night he saved me from that regulators dog and kissed me in the shed. When our love story truly began.  
"Good" she says as she continues braiding.  
" I'm really proud of you lena, I'm proud of the woman you've become" these words make tears start to cloud my eyes, she continues " I know I've missed... I've missed so much of your life, but I like to think that I had a part in that... You remind me a lot of myself when I was younger. Your father would be so proud, I love you and I just wanted to tell you that." She finishes the braid and looks at me in the mirror, putting her hands on my shoulders. My heart is in my throat and I'm fighting the urge to cry.  
" I love you too, mom" I say.  
" I'm just really.." I pause, I can't tell her not to go, so I swallow the lump in my throat down and continue. ".. Just really glad your here, it's what I've always wanted." She smiles and I can see that she too is fighting back tears, we both kind of laugh it off and she goes over to get my dress.  
The more time I spent with her, I began to figure out that my mother was not only incredibly smart, sharper than a tack, but full of surprises. A few days after she handed me the test that forever sealed mine and Alex's fate,she showed up one morning carrying a big suitcase full of clothes where there was one dress that stood out, the most beautiful white dress I'd ever seen, it reminded me of Hana, white muslin, long and billowy, with little white cap sleeves and a small train. It was her wedding dress the day she married my father, the day she married a man who could never really love her back, because he had been cured, but she loved him anyways.  
"It's so beautiful, I still can't believe you're giving it to me" I say to her as she pulls the dress up over my head to put on me. " I can't believe you saved it all these years" I continue.  
She starts buttoning the back and pulling the fabric taut so that it drapes just right. The dress In truth fits me perfectly, I'm built exactly like her.  
"They didn't get everything" she says with a sad smile.  
"I hid quit a few things before they finally came to take me..." She pause, and I shiver at the memory; of her being taken, stolen from me.  
" besides, what better occasion than to see my beautiful daughter get married" she smiles wide.  
"Ready?" She asks. I nod.  
"Let's go" I say and she grabs my hand and leads me away from the bathroom, before I'm out the door I glance at the mirror and I'm stunned at how pretty she made me, no, not just pretty, beautiful... And I think to myself, this is exactly the way i want to marry Alex.

The whole affair went by so quickly. Gracie played her part well walking me down the aisle, Tack actually put on a tie, I was a little stunned, we said our vows and exchanged our rings, we kissed.  
Our rings were another gift of my mothers from my parents marriage, that I didn't know about until after, she gave them to Alex.  
Then there was Alex.  
He was all I could really see. I have no idea where on earth he managed to get a black suit, a perfectly fitted black suit, but he did. His hair was perfectly combed to the side off of a part, and he looked so handsome and so happy that the second I saw him I nearly tripped over myself. He reminded me of the characters in the books we used to read in school of the Victorian ages and how the men were so proper with their tuxedos and top hats escorting their women around town. All I could really think of that day was Alex and how he was really mine, officially mine, forever, and nobody, not even the cured's, could take that from us.  
Afterwards everyone enjoyed the evening, there was food and music and dancing, and strung up in between the trees were rows of twinkly white lights.  
I was sitting on one of the benches outside watching as Alex twirled Gracie hopelessly around on the dance floor. Every time he spun her around she giggled and said 'again', her laugh was contagious and sounded like a million little birds floating away. Seeing Gracie so happy was a gift, it warms my heart to see her laughing and dancing, it was such a difference from the quiet girl who refused to speak at aunt carols. I guess that was always her own little way of resisting a life she didn't believe in either, grace was born a resister.  
All of a sudden she is running over to me, "lena!" She shouts as I catch her in my arms. She is sweaty and her hair is a tangled mess, but she is smiling from ear to ear, "are you happy Gracie?" I ask. She nods, I hug her in tighter not wanting this moment to end.  
Then Alex is slowly walking over to us, my heart skips a beat and my breathing becomes shallow, he is just so beautiful. As he approaches he sticks his hand out to me and says, " Mrs. Sheathes, can I have this dance?"  
I blush. The sound of my new name sends butterflies in my stomach and my heart is beating out of my chest, I nod. He takes my hand and leads me to the dance floor made of wood, slowly turning to face me he puts one arm around my waist resting it on my lower back and the other hand in my hand and pulls me in close, the music starts slow and soft.  
We dance.  
"Do you remember the first time we did this?" He asks softly  
I smile and nod as the memory comes flooding back, the party in roaring brook farms the night I went to prove to Hana I wasn't scared, the first night Alex held my hand as we danced under the stars.  
He leans in closer so his lips are touching my ear, and whispers " do you want to know a secret?"  
"Yes" I say quietly.  
He responds " I was in love with you even then" and then he kisses the side of my neck.  
There is a warmth spreading all over my body, like the feeling of being wrapped in a warm blanket. He pulls away an inch and stares into my eyes, "I love you" I say. That cocky grin I love so much is back and just as he is about to say something, his eyes flash to the right as if he's looking at someone. I hear a whistle and look behind me, Hunter and Bram are walking back from the trees and are approaching us, "is it done?" Alex's asks abruptly.  
"Affirmative" Hunter says with a big toothy smile.  
Him and Bram are staring at me now and I can't help but feel like they're subtly laughing. What's going on? What is Alex talking about? They turn and walk back towards the rest of the party. All of a sudden I'm nervous, I turn back to face Alex who is staring at me with that same smile "shall we?" He says extending his hand again.  
for a second I think maybe he wants to dance again, but then he starts leading me away from the dance floor, in the opposite direction as everyone else, towards the trees. We're walking thru the trees and its so dark I can hardly see Alex's hand guiding me.  
" where are we going?" I ask a little edge of panic lingering in my voice.  
"It's a surprise" he says than stops to kiss my forehead, I start to see a halo of light up ahead. we walk a few more feet than Alex stops abruptly and turns to face me, "close your eyes" he says, I'm having déjà vu all of a sudden.  
"What's going on?" I ask  
"Lena.. Trust me" he says pleading now, but never losing the smile.  
I softly laugh and close my eyes. He leads me the rest of the way just like he did the first time he brought me to the wilds. He stops and says "ok, we're here"

I slowly open my eyes and a gasp escapes my lips. In the middle of the surrounding forest sitting perfectly as if it was always meant to be there, silver and shiny, a trailer. Not just any trailer, it looks exactly like the trailer that Alex took me to so long ago , his first home in the wilds. leading the entire walk way up to the front door and In some of the trees are glass mason jars with candles in them.  
"It's perfect! But How..how did you do it?" I ask amazed.  
I can't believe what I'm seeing, it's like the first best night of my life recreated. Perfect is all I think. It's so perfect.  
He comes behind me and wraps his arms around me "you like it?" He says.  
"I love it!" I respond enthusiastically "I love it so much"  
He laughs lightheartedly and kisses the side of my cheek, "Come on, follow me"  
Hand in hand he leads me to the front of door  
" I know you miss the wilds and so do I" he says while opening the door for us to go inside.  
" I found this trailer walking home one day in one of the other houses back yards, it was abandoned, so I asked Hunter and Bram to help me move it" I start to walk in and he stops me, "wait!" He says.  
all of a sudden, he bends down and in one fast motion grabs me scooping me up in his arms.  
It startles me "what are you doing?" I ask nervous.  
He smiles " it's tradition lena, I have to carry you over the threshold" he says then steps into the trailer, lightly setting me down on my feet then kisses the top of my forehead, while I stare at what he has created for me, stunned.

Inside the trailer it is even more beautiful than I could imagine, there are more than a dozen candles in glass jars littered throughout and there is a line of red rose petals soft and delicate, that leads from the front door to the bed and all over the bed, the pillows and the blankets look brand new and are so fluffy and white it looks like jumping into a cloud. He did this, he did this all for me, he recreated something that meant so much to me something that was lost because I was so terrified to tell him how I really felt, and then was destroyed when the bombs hit and Alex's trailer was blown to bits.  
The thought makes my heart swell, and reminds me of our first night in the wilds, and how so much of the things I wanted to say went unsaid. I stare in disbelief at what I'm seeing.  
"The only bummer is this" he continues and points to the roof, its solid. " I couldn't cut it off so.. I'm sorry, we can't stare at the stars, but I figured this can be our little escape, when things get too crazy in the house and we need a break... Just you and me" as I look at him he is smiling and I look to the bed behind him and heat inside me rises.  
" you did this for me?" I ask elated.  
He nods " for us... I know that sometimes it can get overwhelming with so many people In and out, and well pretty soon... there's gonna be a new little person and I just figured we could use it, you know like our own little vacation home"

I walk over to him "Alex, I want to tell you something" I say, still holding his gaze, he sits on the edge of the bed so that we're eye to eye.  
" I've wanted to tell you for so long... that first night In the wilds, when you brought me there and read me poetry and what you were really saying was that you loved me.. And I was just so scared, terrified actually, but I wanted to tell you... I always regretted not telling you, that I was in love with you even then" I say repeating the exact words he used just a few minutes ago on the dance floor. His smile broadens and He kisses me, I melt into his arms, slowly I pull away to see his eyes and add  
" so now you know.. You have to know, it was always you for me too" I smile and kiss him again this time more feverishly, and I am wanting more of him and I want for this night to never end. He pulls me back towards the bed and I slip out of my shoes. I start to undo his shirt buttons and remove his jacket, he moans softly without breaking the kiss. Slowly he begins to whisper in my ear " how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.."

There are many things that can break you in this world, I know that for a fact. But let me tell you this one secret, if you can find that one thing worth fighting for, that one person who makes everyday feel like the sweetness of coming home, of autumn leaves rustling In the sky, and warm baths on a winter's day and the explosions of the purple and pink's In The sky as the sun is setting in the summer, if you find that sweetness in life.. Never let him go.  
Alex pulls me gently into our bed and we disappear into our own little forever.

Two days later.  
Saturday.  
They're leaving, she's leaving I think as I stand in front of the bathroom mirror.  
My heart is heavy and I want very much to be a child again and throw a temper tantrum and shout and scream and say 'NO!', But I know I can't. It will be ok I tell myself, she'll come back, but even of this I'm not sure.  
I dig in my pocket and hold out the necklace in my hand, starring, the long chain, the two red gems on the front, and the little nub withered away by her time there, in the crypts, the nub that used to be a long point, the pointed end that helped her escape.  
I found it at one of the other homesteaders gatherings, a swap meet of sorts, some old man was trying to sell it, I don't know how he got it, but I would know that necklace anywhere even with the withered end. I traded my best knife for it, seeing as how I probably wouldn't be needing that anytime soon, I know I should have given it to her then, but I didn't.. I don't know why. I take a deep breath and close my hand over the necklace, giving myself a once over in the mirror again, don't be stupid I say to myself, she'll come back, I nod and walk out the door.  
Down stairs everyone is up and bustling around, getting all the last-minute supplies and making sure they've packed everything.  
Tack has 'procured' a van for them, I don't know how, I didn't ask, but half of them will be in the van and the rest are with Pippa on foot. They will have to ditch the van several miles from the hub just to make sure nobody hears them coming, and time for them to strategically plant the bombs, this giving Pippa's team time to catch up. The hub isn't very far from Portland's borders, maybe less than a hundred miles. I walk through the door to the front porch, everyone is ready to go, my mother is packing the rest of her things. Alex is sitting with Gracie on the bench outside, we make eye contact, he smiles half heartedly, he knows this is hard for me, I smile back. I slowly walk over to her while most of the others are already in the van waiting.  
"Here" I say with a lump in my throat, holding out my hand with the necklace in it.  
"I found something that belongs to you" I quickly finish.  
The look she gives me is a surprise, she is stunned, tears start to form in her eyes and she slowly reaches out to touch the pendant as if it might fly away.  
"How did you?... Where did you?" She stutters.  
"It's a long story" I say with a smile. She takes it In Her hands and slowly puts it around her neck. Holding it against her heart she smiles and there is a single tear that escapes and starts running down her cheek, she wipes it away.  
"Thank you" she finally croaks . I nod, not trusting myself to speak for fear that I will lose all resolve and beg her to stay.  
"Listen lena, I promise.." She starts to say, but I cut her off, " don't promise me anything, just come back" I'm starting to lose it, "ok? Just come back" she smiles and nods.  
Alex approaches us then,and comes to stand right beside me, putting his hand on my lower back, rubbing circles, this is his way of comforting me and letting me know he is here. My mother smiles at both of us, then looks to Alex  
" you take good care of my babies" she says glancing at me, Alex smiles wide as he responds" yes ma'am, always"  
She suddenly pulls me into a warm embrace and whispers in my ear " I will come back" pulling away an inch she stares me straight in the eyes and says" I love you, remember, they cannot take it" I smile, and feel the tears start running down my face and I don't care.  
" I love you too" I choke out.  
I grab her hands and squeeze them,  
"Go" I say.  
With that she nods, kisses me lightly on the forehead, then turns and walks towards the van. Alex pulls me into him and kisses the side of my cheek wiping away the tears  
"She'll be ok lena, she's a survivor, like you.." He says softly, comforting.  
"I know" I say letting my head rest on his shoulder.  
Gracie runs up to us and grabs my hand, I just keep staring at the van as it drives away. I see my mother put her hand on the back window, a sign to me.  
"Why did you let her go?" Gracie asks innocently.  
I sigh and smile a little, staring straight ahead, watching the last little glimpse of the van before it disappears into the trees, I respond, "because when you love someone.. Sometimes you have to let them go" I look at Alex and he is staring back at me with those eyes, warm melted honey, burning into the hidden parts of me, I add ".. Even if it kills you"  
We stay there staring at each other remembering, remembering everything, all the times we were pulled apart and all the times we found our way back to each other, I'm so grateful he is here.  
" I love you" I say.  
he smiles and kisses my forehead,"And I love you"  
I take Gracie's hand in mine and Alex's arm still around my waist and say,  
"Come on, let's go inside" and we walk back to the house.


End file.
